austraLasia  #1363

China focus: "My Lord, show me your face"!

[Note: as China Province prepares for its centenary celebrations, austraLasia from time to time will run a focus on one or other aspect of life and mission there.  The item below is true in every detail except for names and places.  It is a story as yet without an ending, but it wants to be a happy story, and in its own way it is a timely Christmas story.  The individual concerned would appreciate the prayers of readers to assist his discernment].

SHANGHAI: 21st December 2005 -- My name is Dominic Savio, 29 years old, born in China, of a Catholic family of four children, the youngest. I was an atheist, against the faith of my family and was critical of my parents' faith, due to my communist formation in the public school, growing up without God and without any transcendental value in life. I had everything I dreamed of but was never satisfied in the depths of my heart, never felt true happiness. 
    When I was 17 , I was invited to catechetics. From that moment on I began to discover a true sense and meaning for my life; it was a big surprise for me! I was so happy, so deeply touched, so grateful to meet one God, who loved me so much to want to become one like us! I was attracted to tell Him: “My Lord, my All, my God, I’m all yours!” On October 3, 1990 I was baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. From that moment I entrusted myself to His Mercy, His Fidelity and His Goodness in order to give all my life for Him and His Gospel – a personal promise in my heart! Some months later I was called by a priest of the unofficial Church to become his Secretary for three years. I became a seminarian and his personal secretary. Then another two years of formation in the unofficial seminary. After this formation I was sent for another two years to a town to serve as a catechist to some  Catholic student communities. 
    After these years of formative and pastoral experience I found myself a little bit confused amidst the internal and external challenges of the China Church. I felt there was a very strong central need for the  China Church – strong vocation formation as well a need for good preparation for a new evangelisation in our situation! I have asked myself: “What does the good Lord ask of me in this situation?” After a period of personal reflection, consulting some experienced superiors in the Seminary, I was advised to leave for further study abroad. It was my hope to be better prepared for the future of the China Church. After this decision I was able to study English for a year as a preparation for my foreign studies. Finally I left my homeland for a religious seminary abroad, where I understood immediately that my vocation was not to be there!  Still continuing the search for my vocation, I consulted some other experienced priests, and continued my studies in another seminary of an ecclesiastical movement. Also here I got the feeling that I was not suited to that specific Charism and formation path. What should I do? 
     Today I feel a little bit confused, asking myself: am I perhaps one who only wants a pilgrim spirituality, wandering from one experience to another? At the same time I feel the pain every time I change my place of formation! What am I looking for after so many struggles and useless searchings for the ‘right seminary’ to receive my formation? What does my heart still hope for after this ten year long journey? In spite of offering myself to God, now I have nothing; I feel so weak – like a piece of rubbish lying around! Today I feel really tired of everything, very weak, unfaithful, without ability. What should I do for Him and His Gospel? Many times I have no courage to answer Him! For myself, I have only one wish: “O My Lord, show me your face, because nothing in this world can satisfy the yearning of my heart! But for His Church, for His call  today I should also ask Him: “Give me strength, give me responsibility, give me a faithful heart and trust in order to finish this discernment about your will!” I need an environment, where  I can receive enough of the teaching of the Church to be still able to study Her Magisterium– in order to be prepared later on to share more than ‘my own personal faith’! with others.  Also I would like to become one, who under the guidance of the Church, will become freely a servant for all, with all – and not only closed to one small group in the Church! It’s really this idea that has pushed me on for the past ten years of my vocation journey from China up to now.  
    Being Chinese, my vocation is more suitable for the China Church. At the same time I have not yet forgotten the original motivation that brought me out of China. But I’m asking myself: in order to better serve  the needy China Church, should I become a member of some Church movement or religious congregation? Should I become a member of some Chinese diocese? I feel a little bit confused regarding the present situation of my diocese of origin and the whole China Church!  In fact, I feel, that for the service of unity of the China Church, we also need  some Chinese who are not members of any Chinese diocese! Of course, for me it is not important to be a part of some diocese, it is more important to be totally a disciple of Christ and His will, but I also know I can’t be a free-lancer, independent of any bishop, an autonomous seminarian! 
    I believe that He who created me for this world, who called me to follow Him, who loves me as I am, is truly faithful – and I’m not alone walking the path of history, it’s He who carries my own history, so I’m not afraid!  Thanks from my heart, with the hope that in the near future also I can help others as I was helped until now. In communion with Christ,
Yours,
Savio
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