austraLasia #3357
MELBOURNE: 26 January 2013 -- We can celebrate with prayer (Novena for 31st January), with an extra prawn on the barbie down the beach (almost anywhere along Australia's cosatline), a grand parade in New Delhi ... but below we celebrate with something a little different and quirky. Just for laughs. An Australian Salesian, now passed to his eternal reward (Fr Alan McDonald, died 2011) spent some time at the Pisana where, amongst other things, he was the Vice Rector for a time. He enjoyed collecting interesting sayings, quips, observations, be they of people at the Pisana, or Aussie politicians - or whoever! He passed a collection of these on several years before he died. Enjoy!
On Sunday preaching
"Is the child disturbing the preacher? or the preacher, the child?"
On Past Pupils:
"At the Pisana we meet the cream of the past pupils; at home we work with the skimmed milk."
Did Fr Viganò actually say this?
"Don Bosco was a saint despite being Piedmontese! If he were a meridionale, would we still have the motto, Work & Temperance?"
Vatican City Employees 1736
A friend of mine in Rome found the following interesting rules for employees in Vatican City. They are dated 1736 and would hardly satisfy today's trade union requirements, I imagine.ACMcD
1. Office employees must sweep the floors every morning, dust the furniture, the book shelves and the windows.
2. They must daily replenish the lamps with oil, brush the hats, trim the wicks, and once a week wash the windows.
3. Each employee must see that there is a pail of water and a bucket of coal for the day's requirements.
4. Quills must be carefully looked after; each employee may cut the writing point according to his own preference.
5. This office opens at 7 am and closes at 8 pm, excepting Sundays, when it is closed all day. It is expected that every employee spend the Sunday attending to church matters and generously helping out with religious affairs.
6. Men employees will have a free evening each week for leisure; this will be increased to two evenings if they attend church regularly.
7. After an employee has worked thirteen hours in the office, he must spend the remaining time reading the bible or other good books.
8. Each employee must set aside a sizeable sum from his wages for the needs of his old age in order not to become a burden on society.
9. Every employee who smokes Spanish cigars, drinks liquor in any form, frequents billiard saloons or public halls, or goes to barber shops to be shaved, will give his employers cause to suspect his worthiness, his intentions, his integrity and his honesty.
10. The employee who faithfully carries out his duties and avoids making blunders for five years will be given a pay rise of 5 centesimi per day provided the profits of the department profits are sufficient.
How a famous Australian Politician (Sir Robert Menzies, better known as 'Bob Menzies' or just 'Ming') handled hecklers. We'll call him RM here - not to be confused with the other RM we all know!
Woman heckler: 'I wouldn't vote for you even if you were the Archangel Gabriel!'
RM: 'Madam, if I were the Archangel Gabriel, you would scarcely be in my constituency.'
Heckler: 'Go ahead, Ming, tell them all you know; it won't take long'.
RM: 'I'll do better than that. I'll tell them all that we both know; and it won't take any longer.'
Plump woman heckler: 'Come on Bob, tell us about inflation and round it off!'
RM: 'Stand up and let's have a look at you - At a glance I wouldn't think you needed to be told anything about inflation.'
Heckler: 'Wotcha gunna do about `ousing?'
RM: 'Put an aitch in front of it.'
Heckler (a burly boorish man) on hearing Menzies crack a joke he has heard before: 'And now tell us the story of the three bears.'
RM: 'Certainly I'll tell you the story of the three bears, but I can't see the other two.'
Alan also rejoiced in language and its quirks. He put together this range of collective nouns (the asterisked ones will only make sense to Aussies)
A paddling of ducks / a team of ducks / a string of ducks / a Badelynge of ducks / a flock of ducks / a Donald of ducks / a sorde of mallards / a flushe of mallards / a murder of crows / a siege of herons / a charm of finches / a parliament of owls / a watch of nightingales / a muster of peacocks / an exaltation of larks / a flight of doves / a mye of pheasants / a building of rooks / a gaggle of geese / a skein of geese / a desert of lapwings / a murmuration of starlings / a convocation of clergy / a simplicity of subalterns / a rave of fans / a gathering of clans / a board of directors / an anthology of 'pros' / a leap of leopards / a pride of lions / a scoop of journalists / a grimace of joggers / a yawn of council workers / a worry of cyclists / a keyboard of letter-writers / a lurk of lawyers / a Keating of galahs* / a weeping of Hawk(e)s* / a Carmen of lyrebirds* / a grumbling of graziers / a prejudice of judges / a flush of WCs (War correspondents) / a tantrum of tennis players / a desperation of property developers /
He didn't claim to be a poet, though he could be one. But maybe he found this somewhere, after sitting through interminable meetings:
Oh, give me some pity: I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning till night
We attend and amend and contest and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur; we defer and demur;
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose;
And through points of procedure we run!
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where could we make such a fuss?
And finally - one for the Missions Department, Project Europe, whatever ...
In view of the mess the world is in, the good Lord recently sent the Apostle Paul from heaven, and told him to do something to remedy the situation. He told Paul to start with the missionary countries. Paul duly wrote to the superior of a missionary society for admittance as a candidate, and received the following reply.
Saul-Paul Esq
Independent Missionary
Corinth Greece
Dear Paul,
Thank you for your letter recently received, in which you seek admittance into our society with a view to doing missionary work.
Our policy is to be totally sincere and frank with all our candidates; and so, after an exhaustive study of your activities we append the following remarks.
To be perfectly honest with you, we are amazed that you ever seriously considered a vocation as a missionary. We have been informed that you suffer from a serious problem with your eyesight; this would certainly constitute an obstacle and an insuperable handicap for an efficacious ministry. Our council always requires 20-20 vision in all candidates.
There is general disgust at your obvious lack of conciliatory behaviour. Anyone with an ounce of diplomacy would not have to be dragged outside the city to be stoned; nor attacked by an angry mob. Have you ever given thought to the fact that if you spoke more kindly you might gain a few friends? I enclose a book by the American Dale Carnegie on How to make friends with the Jews and influence the Greeks. Unfortunately your preaching has been a scandal to the Jews and insanity for the Greeks.
Is it really true that you have spent time in jail? We have been informed that you were incarcerated for two years in Caesarea, and that you have also been arrested in Rome! There have been further accusations that you have caused no end of problems to the shopkeepers of Ephesus, who refer to you as one 'who has turned the world upside down'. Our missionary work has absolutely no place for such sensationalism. We have also been further distressed to read of the revolting episode at Damascus, when you had to be hoisted over the city wall in a basket.
Your ministry has been too erratic to have any worthwhile success: you have flitted about too much - to Asia Minor, then to Macedonia, then to Greece, and finally to Italy; and now you have a mind to engage in a foolish and useless journey to Spain.
It is more important to concentrate your energies rather than meander about from pillar to post. You cannot conquer the world by yourself. You are only one person, just a puny Paul, a nobody.
In a recent sermon you made the following remark: Far be it from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. We think that you might also glory in our extensive property, the agenda we undersign, our combined bank balance, and many other things.
Furthermore, who do you think you are, going about telling the people that you will impart to them some special sort of spiritual blessing! Surely these people have been sufficiently instructed to look after themselves!
Doctor Luke describes you as of small stature, quite bald, frequently ill, and always so restless and anxious for your small basic communities that you do not sleep well at night.
He also mentions that you are so jittery and restless at home that you spend much of the night in prayer. We on the other hand insist that our candidates have a 'healthy mind in a healthy body'.
Finally you have written to Timothy that you have fought the good fight. We consider that fighting is not a good recommendation for a missionary. The best combat is to be found in a non-combatant. Christ did not carry a sword: he preached peace. You even boast of having battled with the beasts at Ephesus! What on earth do you mean by such an affirmation?
My dear brother Paul, I am sorry to have to tell you this: in all my twenty-five years of experience I have never encountered anyone who has proved to be such an utter negation of all the requirements of our missionary society. To accept you would be an infringement on all the rules and regulations of modern missionary practice.
With every good wish,
Monsignor Ego Ipse Solus,
Doctor of Missiology, Theology, Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology, Anthropology;
Director of the Missionary Society of Facile and Convenient Faith.
MELBOURNE: 26 January 2013 -- We can celebrate with prayer (Novena for 31st January), with an extra prawn on the barbie down the beach (almost anywhere along Australia's cosatline), a grand parade in New Delhi ... but below we celebrate with something a little different and quirky. Just for laughs. An Australian Salesian, now passed to his eternal reward (Fr Alan McDonald, died 2011) spent some time at the Pisana where, amongst other things, he was the Vice Rector for a time. He enjoyed collecting interesting sayings, quips, observations, be they of people at the Pisana, or Aussie politicians - or whoever! He passed a collection of these on several years before he died. Enjoy!
On Sunday preaching
"Is the child disturbing the preacher? or the preacher, the child?"
On Past Pupils:
"At the Pisana we meet the cream of the past pupils; at home we work with the skimmed milk."
Did Fr Viganò actually say this?
"Don Bosco was a saint despite being Piedmontese! If he were a meridionale, would we still have the motto, Work & Temperance?"
Vatican City Employees 1736
A friend of mine in Rome found the following interesting rules for employees in Vatican City. They are dated 1736 and would hardly satisfy today's trade union requirements, I imagine.ACMcD
1. Office employees must sweep the floors every morning, dust the furniture, the book shelves and the windows.
2. They must daily replenish the lamps with oil, brush the hats, trim the wicks, and once a week wash the windows.
3. Each employee must see that there is a pail of water and a bucket of coal for the day's requirements.
4. Quills must be carefully looked after; each employee may cut the writing point according to his own preference.
5. This office opens at 7 am and closes at 8 pm, excepting Sundays, when it is closed all day. It is expected that every employee spend the Sunday attending to church matters and generously helping out with religious affairs.
6. Men employees will have a free evening each week for leisure; this will be increased to two evenings if they attend church regularly.
7. After an employee has worked thirteen hours in the office, he must spend the remaining time reading the bible or other good books.
8. Each employee must set aside a sizeable sum from his wages for the needs of his old age in order not to become a burden on society.
9. Every employee who smokes Spanish cigars, drinks liquor in any form, frequents billiard saloons or public halls, or goes to barber shops to be shaved, will give his employers cause to suspect his worthiness, his intentions, his integrity and his honesty.
10. The employee who faithfully carries out his duties and avoids making blunders for five years will be given a pay rise of 5 centesimi per day provided the profits of the department profits are sufficient.
How a famous Australian Politician (Sir Robert Menzies, better known as 'Bob Menzies' or just 'Ming') handled hecklers. We'll call him RM here - not to be confused with the other RM we all know!
Woman heckler: 'I wouldn't vote for you even if you were the Archangel Gabriel!'
RM: 'Madam, if I were the Archangel Gabriel, you would scarcely be in my constituency.'
Heckler: 'Go ahead, Ming, tell them all you know; it won't take long'.
RM: 'I'll do better than that. I'll tell them all that we both know; and it won't take any longer.'
Plump woman heckler: 'Come on Bob, tell us about inflation and round it off!'
RM: 'Stand up and let's have a look at you - At a glance I wouldn't think you needed to be told anything about inflation.'
Heckler: 'Wotcha gunna do about `ousing?'
RM: 'Put an aitch in front of it.'
Heckler (a burly boorish man) on hearing Menzies crack a joke he has heard before: 'And now tell us the story of the three bears.'
RM: 'Certainly I'll tell you the story of the three bears, but I can't see the other two.'
Alan also rejoiced in language and its quirks. He put together this range of collective nouns (the asterisked ones will only make sense to Aussies)
A paddling of ducks / a team of ducks / a string of ducks / a Badelynge of ducks / a flock of ducks / a Donald of ducks / a sorde of mallards / a flushe of mallards / a murder of crows / a siege of herons / a charm of finches / a parliament of owls / a watch of nightingales / a muster of peacocks / an exaltation of larks / a flight of doves / a mye of pheasants / a building of rooks / a gaggle of geese / a skein of geese / a desert of lapwings / a murmuration of starlings / a convocation of clergy / a simplicity of subalterns / a rave of fans / a gathering of clans / a board of directors / an anthology of 'pros' / a leap of leopards / a pride of lions / a scoop of journalists / a grimace of joggers / a yawn of council workers / a worry of cyclists / a keyboard of letter-writers / a lurk of lawyers / a Keating of galahs* / a weeping of Hawk(e)s* / a Carmen of lyrebirds* / a grumbling of graziers / a prejudice of judges / a flush of WCs (War correspondents) / a tantrum of tennis players / a desperation of property developers /
He didn't claim to be a poet, though he could be one. But maybe he found this somewhere, after sitting through interminable meetings:
Oh, give me some pity: I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning till night
We attend and amend and contest and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur; we defer and demur;
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose;
And through points of procedure we run!
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where could we make such a fuss?
And finally - one for the Missions Department, Project Europe, whatever ...
In view of the mess the world is in, the good Lord recently sent the Apostle Paul from heaven, and told him to do something to remedy the situation. He told Paul to start with the missionary countries. Paul duly wrote to the superior of a missionary society for admittance as a candidate, and received the following reply.
Saul-Paul Esq
Independent Missionary
Corinth Greece
Dear Paul,
Thank you for your letter recently received, in which you seek admittance into our society with a view to doing missionary work.
Our policy is to be totally sincere and frank with all our candidates; and so, after an exhaustive study of your activities we append the following remarks.
To be perfectly honest with you, we are amazed that you ever seriously considered a vocation as a missionary. We have been informed that you suffer from a serious problem with your eyesight; this would certainly constitute an obstacle and an insuperable handicap for an efficacious ministry. Our council always requires 20-20 vision in all candidates.
There is general disgust at your obvious lack of conciliatory behaviour. Anyone with an ounce of diplomacy would not have to be dragged outside the city to be stoned; nor attacked by an angry mob. Have you ever given thought to the fact that if you spoke more kindly you might gain a few friends? I enclose a book by the American Dale Carnegie on How to make friends with the Jews and influence the Greeks. Unfortunately your preaching has been a scandal to the Jews and insanity for the Greeks.
Is it really true that you have spent time in jail? We have been informed that you were incarcerated for two years in Caesarea, and that you have also been arrested in Rome! There have been further accusations that you have caused no end of problems to the shopkeepers of Ephesus, who refer to you as one 'who has turned the world upside down'. Our missionary work has absolutely no place for such sensationalism. We have also been further distressed to read of the revolting episode at Damascus, when you had to be hoisted over the city wall in a basket.
Your ministry has been too erratic to have any worthwhile success: you have flitted about too much - to Asia Minor, then to Macedonia, then to Greece, and finally to Italy; and now you have a mind to engage in a foolish and useless journey to Spain.
It is more important to concentrate your energies rather than meander about from pillar to post. You cannot conquer the world by yourself. You are only one person, just a puny Paul, a nobody.
In a recent sermon you made the following remark: Far be it from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. We think that you might also glory in our extensive property, the agenda we undersign, our combined bank balance, and many other things.
Furthermore, who do you think you are, going about telling the people that you will impart to them some special sort of spiritual blessing! Surely these people have been sufficiently instructed to look after themselves!
Doctor Luke describes you as of small stature, quite bald, frequently ill, and always so restless and anxious for your small basic communities that you do not sleep well at night.
He also mentions that you are so jittery and restless at home that you spend much of the night in prayer. We on the other hand insist that our candidates have a 'healthy mind in a healthy body'.
Finally you have written to Timothy that you have fought the good fight. We consider that fighting is not a good recommendation for a missionary. The best combat is to be found in a non-combatant. Christ did not carry a sword: he preached peace. You even boast of having battled with the beasts at Ephesus! What on earth do you mean by such an affirmation?
My dear brother Paul, I am sorry to have to tell you this: in all my twenty-five years of experience I have never encountered anyone who has proved to be such an utter negation of all the requirements of our missionary society. To accept you would be an infringement on all the rules and regulations of modern missionary practice.
With every good wish,
Monsignor Ego Ipse Solus,
Doctor of Missiology, Theology, Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology, Anthropology;
Director of the Missionary Society of Facile and Convenient Faith.
